Last Day of Work

Oh man. It’s my last day of work before I head off on leave.¬† I’m trying to finish everything up so it’s easier for everyone while I’m gone. I still have a few to-do things to kick off (Cleaning mostly, haha)

This is crazy.

I am so excited and nervous. I’m nervous about the pain and unknown. (still a squish nervous about dying) It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be wonderful and I still have my blessing on Sunday so that’s really going to help bring me some calm.

Last Pre-Op Appointment

Today is my last pre-op appointment! Wow. Does anyone else feel like this freaking flew by? It’s been 98 days since I went to the initial seminar for my clinic. It’s funny, because I was only engaged for exactly 100 days before I was married. Lives can be completely rerouted in 100 days of meticulous planning.

Someone Noticed

My coworker Pam is a sweet older woman with several grandkids around my kids’ ages. Today while I was puttering about trying to finish all the work that needs to be done before I leave, she said, “Now, I can definitely notice that you’ve lost weight.” Someone noticed. Someone noticed!

It feels wonderful that the last 9 days of freaking starving to death and living a sad breadless life is paying off. Others can see it. According to my home scale I’m 323.5 pounds. Now, that’s not the office scale, so I’m not 100% confident in that number, BUT HOT FREAKING DAMN! This will have been the lowest I weighed in about 2.5 years if that’s right. I’m going to step on the scale at the office and run home and step on mine and see what the difference is. For accounting purposes. I will update my weight once I do that.

5 days til surgery day!

Nudist Colonies and Homecoming

I say this with nothing but love and support, but my kid is a freaking nudist. It’s a well-known joke in our family and at church. Our missionaries laugh when they see WW with clothes on.

There’s a animal rescue park about 45 minutes away from me. It’s exotic animals mostly with some regulars tossed in. We went there this weekend. We saw monkeys, alligators, crocodiles, porcupines, a Fennec fox, kangaroos, an African crane, the list goes on. EC was very excited about the cranes because one of them would mimic her actions. She’d hunker down and he’d hunker down. Then she’d jump up and he’d jump up and shake his tail feather. A croc lunged at WW with its jaws open wide. Thank goodness for plexiglass or we’d be on the news.

This was all well and fun, until WW decided “Eff this. I wanna be naked.” He went into the climbing play area and stripped down to his diaper. He refused to get out of the structure and to put pants back on. We had actually get in the car and pretend to leave before he’d come out. EC ran in and got his clothes for him.


After that we dropped the kids off at my in-laws and waited around for about 7 hours to go see Spider-man Homecoming at 11pm. It was really funny and I love anything with Michael Keaton. Getting home at 1:30am is not my idea of a good time anymore, plus getting up for church at 8 was not easy.

My cousin Kim posted some old pictures of the family and there were two in particular that I liked and hadn’t seen in about a decade.

I am probably about 12-13 in these. I might be 14, but it’s unlikely. Several things to note:

  • I felt confident enough in who I was to have a picture taken of me in a sports bra. I’m not sucking it in, or placing my hands in a funny way. I’m just there.
  • My Hanson shirt is awesome and I need another one.
  • This is my goal size. I look good here. Not like world exploding redonkulous, but good.
  • There need to be more current pictures of me spontaneously smiling.
  • My eyebrows are freaking amazing. Can I get those back?

Slightly Bruised and Broken

Just not from a head-on collision.And just broke, not broken.

I (finally) got my birth control implant put in on Monday. It’s a pretty easy procedure. They numb you, first with a cream and then a needle. Then they lay this device on your arm. They press down slightly and make a credit card swiping motion. Boom. Done.





I look like I got kicked by a deer or something


Now it looks like a sad banana that will never become banana bread.

The thing is I’m grateful for this. I cannot take BC pills because of migraines with auras. I’m terrified of the IUD because I know way too many people who have had issues with them, pregnancy, ectopic pregnancies, miscarriage, and wandering IUD. I’ll take my HIDEOUS AWFUL LOOKING THING for peace of mind.

In a semi-related note, I’ve spent way too much money on Amazon lately. All those little things I needed in my Honey-Do post, plus like sixty bucks worth of vitamins. I am very thankful for my Prime subscription right now.


Probably the hardest post

I plan on posting a before picture in this post. It’s just really taking a lot of nerve to do it. It’s a shirtless (but bra-full) in leggings picture taken in shitty light by my husband who takes not great pictures. After he took a side view picture last night I told him, “Wait, you gotta take another one. I was totally sucking it in.”

There’s this idea floating out in the ether that if you want to change your body, you must hate it. That’s not the case all the time. I love my body. It grew my kids. It made milk for my kids. It’s walked thousands of miles, in dozens of different shoes. It survived more than I’m ever willing to discuss. My body is covered in scars and freckles and ink that tell the story of this life. One day it will be glorified and the scars, freckles and ink will fade away, but the lessons learned from the miles and scars will stay with me. But I want my body to be better. I want it to be strong, have energy, run races, chase kids and be around to see grandkids.

That got a lot deeper than I’d intended. I think I’m trying to put this off. haha. Ok here goes.


So this is before. 338 pounds of me. I’m wearing pants, BTW. They are just leggings that kinda look fleshy. I don’t have that many tattoos.

We need better lighting in my house….

I Do Believe I’m Literally Dying

OMG. I have been on my pre-op diet for 3 days. I want to eat everything and hulk smash what’s left. The diet is simple enough:

Breakfast: protein shake

Snack: 7g of protien and 1/2 of non starchy veggies.

Lunch 20-28g of protien, 1-2 cups of non-starchy veggies.

Dinner: Same as lunch but add in 1/2 a cup of fruit.


But I am so gd hungry. Did you see what was missing from that list? CARBS! Guys, bread is wonderful. Bread is amazing.

Image result for bread makes you fat gif

I can do this. I’ve resisted temptation thus far. I didn’t eat WW’s crust from the pizza he left on the table on day one. I didn’t request the cookie I so desperately craved (You know those size of a baby’s head chewy bastards with M&Ms in them?). Plus my dear husband said, “I wouldn’t have bought it for you anyway.” Rude.

I have only 2 appointments left before surgery. An anesthesia consult and consent signing of all the forms. Plus I need to give them my $250 dollar office admin fee.  I was looking for a different Awkward Yeti comic for the end of this post, but I think this one is much more apt.

Image result for awkward yeti diet

Edit to add: I called my nutritionist who talked me off the ledge. She told me that i can eat as many veggies as I want and I can drink broth until the cows come home. I really just need to stay awy from carbs. I miss you bread.

My Honey-Do List

We’re quickly coming up on surgery dates. I’ve been trying to think of all the things i need to do before surgery to ensure the smoothest (LMFAO) recovery. Here’s what I’ve got.

  • Put bed up.
    • We’ve been bedsharing since EC was a wee one. I was always so afraid one of them would fall off the bed and bash their flexible little skull in, so our box spring and mattress have been resting on the floor. I finally Primed a bed frame to us that should be here on the 10th. I also bought bed risers and a dust ruffle to make it all pretty.
  • Find childcare
    • I’m not 100% sure what time I’ll need to be there but I’m assuming still dark morning. The hospital is about 45 minutes away. I’m gonna need someone to watch the kids starting at butt crack o’dawn and my in-laws have already told me they cannot take off work. I’m gonna have to either hit up my babysitter (who does have other jobs) or ask my mother to come down. Either option isn’t my favorite and seems unlikely that they will pan out. I may have to rely on the kindness of my friends.
  • Clean the damn house
    • Ugh. My husband is amazing, but he’s gonna be on his own in regards to cleaning for a couple of weeks. I’m not even allowed to vacuum for 6-8 weeks. Laundry is my main chore and I will in no way be able to carry the 900-lb basket up and down 2 flights of stairs. I hope that if we can get this house clean before hand (and force those little mess makers of mine to help) we can keep it clean from quick daily maintenance. A novel concept!
  • Buy all my post-op things.
    • Things like a food scale, a real scale (Do I still have one in the closet somewhere?), lots of Jell-O, broths, soups and other things to help me pretend like I’m not starving to death, plenty of things to read, comfy clothes for post-op, another sports bra, a firm pillow.
  • a Priesthood blessing of comfort
    • I want to take the time to feel God’s blessing on me and this step forward. Priesthood blessings have had serious impacts on me and I’ve always felt the Spirit in me when I have them. I will also have a healing one after the surgery.


I think that’s it. I will have to check and make sure there isn’t anything else.

Fire Fueled

I swear, once you have a good week, the next one is hell.

EC had a wonderful birthday party. She was surrounded by friends and family and had a lot of fun. She had her friend sleep over. I use that word so loosely. They fought half the night and then A woke up at 3am wanting to go home. And because I’m evil, I had Shawn do it.

We woke up on Fathers Day and decided to go to the beach. There’s this little place in York, Maine right near the Hartley Mason Reserve that has a small inlet with lots of waves, and some really beautiful scenery.


The next morning the kids were bonkers. Completely out of this world out of it. They were crying, fighting, whining, smiling, laughing, running. Basically if there was an emotion, they felt it…. time ten.

Tuesday we went through this whole ordeal where my car stopped working for literally no reason. It was checked out (after a $75 dollar tow for it to go literally 100 yards) and it was deemed in perfect health. I’m really trying to count my blessings on this one because one, it could have been cataclysmic, and two, i found a mechanic who is obviously super honest. He could have said anything was wrong with my car. Anything. “Oh sorry, your oogedty-boogety was broken. That’ll be $300 bucks.” I would have nodded and been like “Okay, thanks for fixing that!”

I’m a pretty hardcore feminist. I follow feminist pages, I tell people when they are being sexist jerks, I (most importantly) believe in the rights of WOC and transgender women. So sometimes, I mouth off to people. One guy decided that he was going to snoop on my Facebook, find a picture of EC playing in a pool and report it as porn. My child. This was so upsetting to me. EC is gleefully playing in a pool wearing underpants. She’s shirtless yes, but so are literally millions of pictures of little boys running around in the summer.


I reposted the picture, told Facebook to suck an egg, and got this message.Gunn

So, thank you Thomas Gunn, for reminding me why I’m such a feminist. Your masculinity was so goddamned fragile that you snooped on my Facebook, found the first thing you could use, and reported it. Thank you for reminding me that creepy assholes like you exist, and my page needs to be further locked down to make sure you cannot come at me. I’ve since changed my last name on Facebook because it really is too uncommon. I worry about telling the wrong person why his patriarchy is a pile of shit and finding me. It’s not unheard of. People are doxxed and stalked and attacked. Thanks, Thomas, you fueled my fire. The fire of change will consume and smother assholes like you.


Keys and Everything

On Friday, I got my full-time official offer from my job. It’s more money than I thought and probably the most important is that he’s letting my take my two weeks vacation right away for my surgery!

I feel so lucky and so #blessed (Aren’t I just the worst?) to have this job. My boss isn’t just not mean, he’s genuinely nice. I’m really just so excited.

I’ve got a weigh in on Friday when I meet with the nurtitionist¬†and behavorial health again.

Oh, but in awesome news This is what was said to me today.

Coworker: Do you now you remind me of? Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club.

I feel like my life is complete and I can just retire or something.

Image result for ally sheedy gif