I’ve been neglecting my sweet little blog.
I am in a pretty deep depression. I knew it was rough going after my surgery but I thought once the fix was complete I would bounce back. I didn’t. It lingered like musty gym smell. It wasn’t overpowering, but it was there.
My first clue that I was sinking deeper should have been when I decided to cut six inches off the hair I’d been growing out for the better part of two years. It looks great, don’t get me wrong. But when I start to feel really depressed I look for something to change: A hair style, hair color, new clothes, rearrange a room, get a tattoo. One of these things will clearly change how I feel inside.
It didn’t. It never does.
My next clue that I should have reached out was my desperate need for my phone. When I’m in a good head space, I don’t need my phone/Facebook. I’m too busy enjoying what I’m doing to care about what everyone else did. I was compulsively refreshing my phone. But I wasn’t replying to any of the messages people were sending me. I would mentally reply and forget to actually do it. This caused issues when a friend thought I was mad at her.
I’ve also been trying to eat my feelings, which is really really hard when your stomach isn’t big enough to fit your feelings into anymore. I’ve turned to my old friend Mountain Dew. How I’ve missed you, Mountain Dew. You tickle my tongue and make my heart pound. The gas bubbles hurt so good. You’re always there for me. How could I have neglected you for so long?
As if these signs were not enough, it wasn’t until I started sobbing when Ellen DeGeneres gave a school in Brooklyn $25,000, that I realized what was happening. Because I didn’t stop crying. For about forty-five minutes. Luckily, I was alone. The kids were asleep, SM was at the gym. Only Bob Ross (my kids are currently obsessed with watching his painting show, and I forgot to turn it off) saw me cry that night, while he painted landscapes and made happy little accidents.
I called a doctor but with my work schedule being what it is, they can’t get me in for another two weeks. I can make it two weeks.