Not The Hourglass I Was Hoping For

I don’t want my story to make others feel like they shouldn’t do a WLS but I also feel like I need to be authentic in how things have been going.

Which is horribly.

Ever since I’ve been cleared for stage three foods (soft well cooked foods, no raw veggies or steak, rude.) I’ve been throwing up every single day. Sometimes, a few times a day. It’s always after eating and it’s usually in the evening. Sometimes, it’s just a little. Sometimes, I would scare the shit out of Linda Blair.

I called my nutritionist asking what I was doing wrong. She advised me that there was no way I should still be vomiting every day, if I was doing the right things. The right things being: chewing very well, small bites, sticking to my diet. (Full disclosure, I have eaten some carbs when I wasn’t supposed to. Not a lot, but some. This is the hardest part and I’m only human) I told her such and she wanted me to come in to see the doctor.

To the doctor I went, who ordered testing. I had to go to the hospital the next morning for another upper GI. You stand in front of an x-ray machine, drink some chalk water, and they take pictures of your stomach. The radiologist said “Everything looks fine.” I was so frustrated. If everything is fine, why can’t I eat?

I get to my doctor’s office and LeBron (the coolest PA) says “No everything is not fine. You have a narrowing of your sleeve. Part of it is significantly smaller than it should be. I need to confer with Dr L, but we need to fix this.” My stomach has taken on an hourglass shape. The food is getting stuck and it can only slowly digest. So while that’s happening, I’m still hungry, because only half my stomach is full. The food gets stuck in my diaphragm area and the only relief is vomiting. It explains why I’m good with liquids, but actual food is the problem.

Dr L comes in and confirms with LeBron. Since I’m vomiting so much and my protein intake isn’t even half of what they want, this is is important.  What needs to be done: I have to go to Boston one day, be put under and have a balloon put into my stomach to open it up. I was assured this is not a chronic problem and once they fix it, I will be good.

Now to wait on insurance authorization.

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Weekend Wrap Up

We had a pretty good weekend here.

Saturday, EC woke up at6:30 am, took a shower, made some cereal, bought Moana on Amazon (Which I need to call and have them credit). I was so surprised. She’s such a big girl. I cannot wait until we get to that age with WW too. We played around the house, cleaned up and found things to drop at the donation center. We had a baby sitter come in for a few hours and SM and I drove around in the rain and talked. After the baby sitter left, SM took the kids to the McDonald’s Play Place until dinner.  I still cannot go in there because OMG FRENCH FRIESSSSSSSS. We rented The Lorax and the kids fell right to sleep.

After they were asleep, SM and I watched 50 Shades of Black, a Wayans Brother parody of 50 Shades of Grey. Two things. One, I hate 50 Shades of Grey for so many reasons. Two, the art of the parody is now held only by the Wayans Brothers. They kill it every single time. I was about to pee my pants a few times.

Sunday was so busy and so much fun. I’d won tickets to see The All American Rejects in a Mix Lounge on the radio. I was about three feet away from where Tyson would stand. I have very fond memories of him from being 15. He is still so beautiful and tall. I wasn’t a fan of his outfit. he had a grey wife beater tucked into a pair of pants that had two sets of belt loops??? He just looked very strange. They played 4 songs and talked in between. I got a picture with them but it’s not up on the website yet.

SM and I then decided to eat lunch in Boston. Or was it brunch? We’re really not cool enough to know. We had breakfast burritoes of which he could only eat half and I could barely have 5 bites.


It was then my friend’s son’s baptism. (Mormons baptize at 8) It was a great service with a wonderfully after party. The kids were exhausted by the end of the day. Heck even I was asleep by 10.

We had a lot of fun and made many memories.

What I Should Have Eaten on July 2nd, 2017


  • Cinnamon rolls
  • A giant bowl of Cocoa Pebbles
  • French toast with extra brown sugar

Snack 1

  • An entire bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion Chips. I’m talking the family size.


A Texas toast bread sized grilled cheese with about half a pound of Land O’ Lakes white American

Snack 2

  • A sleeve of Double Stuffed Oreo cookies with a tall glass of whole milk


  • Au gratin potatoes
  • mashed potatoes with extra gravy
  • chicken enchiladas
  • a whole bowl of queso


  • One of those molten lava brownies

Midnight snack

  • Just so much spinach artichoke dip

2 Week Follow Up

I went into my two week follow up with a pretty good high honestly. I was on the Karson and Kennedy Radio Show and played Can’t Beat Kennedy. It’s a pop culture show and if you beat her you get $100. You can listen here. They spelled my name wrong though.

So that was pretty cool. I met with my nutritionist and told her that I was concerned that artificial sweeteners was what was killing my stomach and causing me to have near constant diarrhea. We went through my list of questions about foods I can eat. Sweet potatoes are off the list, guys. Heartbreaking. But I can eat bread, if I make it myself or find something that’s made with almond flour. I can also buy some Atkins mix. She was very happy that I made it up to 30g of protein yesterday and finally hit my water intake goal.

I feel like I have a much clearer picture of what I can and cannot eat.

I met with my doctors as well. They were super impressed with how well my incisions have healed and I’m cleared to swim again! (But still no sex. Rude) All in all, it was a great visit and I feel confident in where I’m headed.

First Goal: Crushed It.

Howdy howdy.

I’ve been recuperating while dealing with some serious dehydration. Seriously. Look at this. 2,000 CC of fluids and minerals needed to be given to me since I was clearly dying.

And then yesterday while I was there, the hospital had to be evacuated. There was some sort of fire. They tried to have us go out one hall, but it was filled with smoke. I ended up having my IV taken out in the parking lot and just went home.

While all this was going on I managed to hit my first weight loss goal: Under 300lbs. Hitting that goal made all the crap I’d been going through almost worth it. I’ve also lost a total of 12.5 inches. That’s over a foot of fat!

Someone get this chick a pedicure

Dehydration, Dumping, and Buyer’s Remorse

It would be wrong of me to pretend like this recovery time has been peaches and cream, happiness and sunshine. Here’s what my recovery has been.

I was cleared to eat pureed foods on Monday. I was very excited. I went to Panera, ordered a quart of cheddar broccoli soup and ate 2/3 a cup. What happened next can only be described by this gif.

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Next, I had to go to Urgent Care because I was dehydrated. I would get dizzy when I stood up, my mouth was made of cotton, my head was pounding. When I got to UC, my heart was racing at a resting rate of almost 100bpm. Without having any labs for where certain things were, they decided to give me only half a bag of saline. I felt better for a while, but then I took EC back to school shopping (Crayons are .50 at Target, y’all) and I almost fainted in the store.

By the end of last night, I managed to drink about 18oz of water, which is less than half of the minimum they want me to get in every day. The problem I have with drinking is not that I get full or anything. It’s my diaphragm. They repaired a hernia I had while they were in there. It’s so tight that every time I drink, it feels like I’ve just guzzled root beer and there’s carbon build up that needs to be burped out. This happens when I sip even half an ounce. It’s been really hard.

I’ve been suffering from some serious buyer’s remorse. Why did I do this? I love bread and soda. Those two things are near permanently gone from my life now. Guzzling a drink feels so good. Will I ever be able to do that again? What about Thanksgiving? WHY DIDN’T I THINK ABOUT THANKSGIVING???? I know that I’m not physically hungry, but damn if I’m not mentally starving. It’s weird not having to worry about food. It’s been such a constant and now it doesn’t matter. I’m the mean boy in college who just stopped talking to me after 6 months, after saying “I’ll call you later.” (He never did.)

I know that once these mental hurdles are leaped, my remorse will go away. Change is never easy or people would do it all the time. This was worth it, I just don’t feel it yet.

How My Recovery Reminds Me of Pregnancy and Labor and Delivery

1. Packing my hospital bag.

I woke up at 5am on Monday and true to my procrastination, packed my hospital bag. It contained 3 pairs of comfy pants, 2 sports bra, a couple of tanks, hair ties, headbands and a charger. Basically the staples i needed while in recovery for bebes.

2. I have special pillows that I need at all times and water near me at all times.

Instead of a boppy for the hour long nursing sessions, I have my tummy pillow that I press against me when I need to cough, roll over or sit up. I also put it until my stomach while I sleep. I have my back pillow which is one of those giant pillows that look like a chair. Then i have my regular sleeping pillow. I am trying to stay hydrated so I’m drinking thimble amounts of water all freaking day.


3. I feel kinda useless.

I can’t clean, pick up the kids, drive alone, all that crap.


4. Im so aware of my stomach.

I touch it all the time. I look at my incisions. I press on it when it gurgles. I even have “phantom kicks” which weird me the eff out.

5. The drugs are AMAZING

I was given oxycodone for pain management. I am in no way abusing my meds but they are giving me crazy dreams, sleep like I haven’t had in years, and I feel slightly drunk before I take my nap.

6. Daily naps.

How I have missed daily naps. I have taken a nap every day and it’s amazing. Everyone leaves me alone and I get some nice ZZZs.


I was able to go home at noon. Im still really tender and i’m working on my water intake.

Since i also had a hernia in my diaphragm they repaired it while i was under. The reason for most of my discomfort is the hernia repair.  Whenever i drink it feels like I’ve gulped soda too quick and the CO2 is trying to  erupt from me. I’ve gotten about 15 ounces of liquids in. Im supposed to aim for 48-60 and about 90g of protein. Right now its more important I get liquids than protein.

Im getting sleepy so im going to write off for now. Im hoping tomorrow is easier.