Unreasonable Fears

I have two completely unreasonable fears.

  1. Octopi
  2. Windows at night

I am blaming the octopi thing on my countless watchings of The Little Mermaid as a kid. Ursula was a scary witch. And when she gets giant and her suction cup things are huge? No.

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When I was like 4 or 5, I watched a nature documentary about them. The suction cup squished on a camera and all I could think of was it sticking my face and not being able to breathe. Add in the fact that these things are really frigging smart, and stupid flexible… I just think people need to be aware of the dangers that octopi possess.

22 Jump Street went ahead and made an actual visualization of my nightmare. Image result for 22 jump street octopus gif

I have to say, though, windows at night are probably my biggest fear. I blame this on years of my jerkface older cousins making me watch scary movies all the time and then scaring me further, because like I said, they were giant jerkfaces. (Jennifer especially.)

We have a kitchen door that has glass on it. When SM goes to work at night, I bring the kids up stairs and that’s where I stay until he comes home. I just the other day figured out a way to cover the glass (it’s a metal door so a regular rod wouldn’t work) so I can now stay down there when he’s gone and actually get some cleaning done at night.

I’m mostly afraid that I’ll look out there and someone (or something) will be there. A creature, murderer, clown, octopi… whatever. I’ve seen too many movies where people make stupid choices and are brutally massacred because they chose WRONG. I will not be a statistic!

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*peeks out of the bushes*

Oh, hi.

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After my last super depressing post, I went to the doctor and got put on Effexor. I am happy to report that despite the tiredness that comes with it, I am feeling so much better. I’m not weepy, I’m not as frustrated. Things are okay.

Actually things are probably better than okay. If you remember my blog post about meaningless things I wanted from weight loss, you’d know that I wanted to run. Well, I completed a 5k! My time was 1:04:14. I was lapped by people who started over thirty minutes after me, but damn it, I completed it.

I thought I was going to die, and the water hander-outers also thought I was going to die. I didn’t though. I went home and napped for about a month. I haven’t run even a foot since then. One step forward, two steps back.

I had my six week follow up (about six weeks late) and I was told that my weight loss was great. Even more than they’d expect from a sleeve. When I told them I was exercising fairly regularly, they were very pleased. It takes people longer to start working out usually. They are used to their regular mobility and don’t push it too far yet. I have friends who refused to let me give up on working out (Thanks Emily and Amber) and I do feel better for it, even though I hate it while I’m doing it.

I’ve been neglecting my sweet little blog.

I am in a pretty deep depression. I knew it was rough going after my surgery but I thought once the fix was complete I would bounce back. I didn’t. It lingered like musty gym smell. It wasn’t overpowering, but it was there.

My first clue that I was sinking deeper should have been when I decided to cut six inches off the hair I’d been growing out for the better part of two years. It looks great, don’t get me wrong. But when I start to feel really depressed I look for something to change: A hair style, hair color, new clothes, rearrange a room, get a tattoo. One of these things will clearly change how I feel inside.

It didn’t. It never does.

My next clue that I should have reached out was my desperate need for my phone. When I’m in a good head space, I don’t need my phone/Facebook. I’m too busy enjoying what I’m doing to care about what everyone else did. I was compulsively refreshing my phone. But I wasn’t replying to any of the messages people were sending me. I would mentally reply and forget to actually do it. This caused issues when a friend thought I was mad at her.

I’ve also been trying to eat my feelings, which is really really hard when your stomach isn’t big enough to fit your feelings into anymore. I’ve turned to my old friend Mountain Dew. How I’ve missed you, Mountain Dew. You tickle my tongue and make my heart pound. The gas bubbles hurt so good. You’re always there for me. How could I have neglected you for so long?

As if these signs were not enough, it wasn’t until I started sobbing when Ellen DeGeneres gave a school in Brooklyn $25,000, that I realized what was happening. Because I didn’t stop crying. For about forty-five minutes. Luckily, I was alone. The kids were asleep, SM was at the gym. Only Bob Ross (my kids are currently obsessed with watching his painting show, and I forgot to turn it off) saw me cry that night, while he painted landscapes and made happy little accidents.

I called a doctor but with my work schedule being what it is, they can’t get me in for another two weeks. I can make it two weeks.

Hashtag Transformation Thursday

Ive been feeling meh. I cant see the changes in me the same as everyone else can. People comment on it fairly often, but I still see the work to be done. I was looking for something in my old LuLaRoe group and I found this picture from last September. Yeah. I can see the difference now.

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I know I’m my worst critic. I think everyone is. (Though, I bet I’m way more critical of the Kardashians than they are) This picture was the reminder I needed. Yes, I have a ways to go, but dang, I’ve come pretty far.

20%

I have officially lost 20% of my body weight! This is huge. It’s awesome.

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I do my monthly measurements on the last day of the month. I was freezing to death while camping, so this is that post.

Total weight loss: 68.8! 20% of my body weight!!

Total inches: 33.5, that’s almost a yard stick, yo.

94.5 until ULTIMATE GOAL (179.9, but really I just wanna be in one-derland)
24.4 until next goal (250)

I worked out twice this week, back to freaking back. I did a fitness class with my friend Amber. Amber doesn’t play. She makes you work for it. She’s not mean but you just feel like you don’t want to be the only one in the class who can’t do tabatas with weights. So you push yourself and then you wanna die.

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Then I went for a ‘run’ with Emily. Well, half with Emily. She was running late so I started without her knowing she could easily catch up to me. I was almost a mile in before she ran to meet me. I made Emily winded from trying to get me. We went further than we usually do, which means I’m getting faster. I might actually start to like running? Maybe?

Let’s not get too crazy.

Unicorn Farts

If you are even a single thing like me, you can often forget how good you have things. You’re reading this so you somehow have internet access, probably via an expensive electronic device. You can read this, so you’ve had some schooling or education. You’re probably sitting in a comfy spot, enjoying your private time.

I often get overwhelmed with the things in my life. My children want me to play. EC literally doesn’t stop talking from the. second. she wakes up until she finally passes out fourteen hours later. WW wants to show me something upstairs about 45340 times a day with his sweet little voice saying “I show ya.” SM wants to talk and go for a drive with the kids. He wants affection and attention too. The TV is usually too loud with kids laughing and yelling and crying. This things very much overwhelm me quickly.

Then you hear a story about someone else and you start to think, “Maybe I don’t have it so bad.”

There’s a woman that my church helps, we’ll call her Jane. Jane has twins who non-verbal autistic and a horrible boyfriend. They live in a truly bad area surrounded by more bad. Jane was physically attacked by her boyfriend and is now living alone with the girls. They are struggling to keep it together. The wait list for public assistance in Massachusetts is over two years. The drug epidemic has hit us hard here, and families are suffering. Many are fleeing domestic violence situations. They have records of drugs so they have a hard time finding decent steady employment. Add in the never ending battle with your mind and addiction, you’ve got a long list of people who just need help. We’re working on helping Jane and her babies, but there’s so many others like them out there.

This is not said to minimize what you’re going through in your life. This isn’t the Pain Olympics. You have difficulties. You have moments of stress. You have days or weeks of stress. It’s real and it affects you. But maybe sometimes, we can look for the good things in our situtation?

I leave this with you in the name of unicorn rainbow farts,

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This One’s For Emily

For a few months, I’ve been weary. Weary of the world. Weary of politics. Weary of the demands that I feel like I can never meet. Weary of weary.  It’s been getting harder for me to hold it in and together. I’ve felt lonely and depressed. I know I have friends, but my friends, just like me, are all in a time of busy. Our kids are busy, our work is busy, our homes are busy. We each let everyone fall to the way side while we try to man the fort at home. (I feel like I’m mixing metaphors here)

Anyway, I’d posted before that I wanted to do a 5k and had actually signed up to do it. I have a friend Emily. She’s such a wonderful person. She’s the mom to five kids. She’s our Bishop’s wife. She teaches seminary at 6:30 every morning. She’s kind and friendly. I would like to be Emily when I grow up. I told her that I had signed up for the 5K. She texts me right back with “That’s awesome!!!” with a bunch of questions and some suggestions for where I could “run”. She approached me at church and asked if she could go with me.

I must have forgotten to list her track star status in her previous qualifications. Because she is. She’s been running for as long as she can remember. She did track in middle school, high school and college. She still runs several times a week, after hot yoga. (I swear she’s a real person.) SHE RAN A MARATHON.

She went with my for my first “run”. My jog page was her walking pace. I had to stop several times to catch my breath and to get a stitch out of my side. I felt like I was holding Emily back from her run. She was a wonderful cheerleader for me, but I figured she’d want to actually get a run in at some point and not be going on brisk walks.

But she kept on texting me. “How’s training going? Are you going tonight? I’d love to join you.” After two crazy weeks, I took her up on the offer to come again.

We started our trek with our usual “What’s been going on with you” conversation. After a while we started talking about deeper things. I told her my fear of getting to the afterlife and The Powers That Be saying, “Yeah, no. You got it all wrong.” I’m an extremely liberal person in a fairly conservative church. There are parts of the doctrine I don’t agree with. I struggle with wanting to drink tea and lately, I’ve been really wanting to drink vanilla vodka, my oldest friend and foe. I feel surrounded by people who don’t have these “afflictions”. They’ve never had them so they don’t have to battle against the wants for them.

Emily told me she has so much respect for converts. It’s hard when you have to change parts of yourself. It’s hard especially when we ask different things of you. Things that people who are not part of the church think is just so weird. She thinks that converts are given extra blessings in their lives because of the hard choices they make to change their lives every day. She feels a level of respect for them for that, for seeking and finding our truth and deciding to be a part of this.

Emily, I needed to say how much your words touched me yesterday. It was a wonderful moment, even in the 90* humidity, trying to get through the last rounds of walk/jogging, to have you there cheering me on, literally and spiritually. Taking the time to remind me that I’m doing better than I probably think I am. I know you don’t get a lot of actual working out done while we do this, but having you take the effort to meet with me, between pick ups and drop offs, and encourage the person who would still really rather being watching TV on the couch. Finding out that someone I respect and aspire to be more like thinks that I’m pretty awesome was the boost I needed to help me start looking at things a little better. We are all just trying to do what we can here. I’m so grateful for our friendship. And one day our runs won’t have air quote around them. We’ll keep pace and remember how long it took me to get to 1.5 miles.

Holland

Nia Jax

If you aren’t a fan of WWE professional wrestling, you probably don’t recognize the title of my blog post. I’m not really a fan anymore, really. When I was preteen, I was obsessed with it. I idolized Lita, Trish Stratus and The Hardy Boys. I was really into it until I was about 14ish. Then I met my husband, an OG WWE nerd who wanted to be in the WWE so much he joined a wrestling school when he turned 18. SM doesn’t wrestle anymore and it’s not something he wants, but it is something he watches. (And, thus, I watch.)

Last night was No Mercy, one of their monthly PPVs. (Is it even Pay-Per-Veiw anymore? It’s 100% streaming? Get off my lawn)I was half listening as I was making Christmas wish lists on Amazon. Then I heard it. “Weighing in at 272 pounds, Nia Jax!”

I knew who Nia was. She’s another one of the Rock’s cousins who are in the industry. She grew up in Hawaii and followed in the family business of kicking ass and taking names. She was in a five way match with four other Divas, Sasha Banks, Emma, Bayley and Alexa Bliss.

But this was the first time, pretty much ever, that I was (almost, I’ve got a fiver on her) the same weight as a female wrestler. Not only is Nia strong as hell, she’s freaking beautiful.

She’s not viewed as a joke piece. No one is snorting like a pig at her or demeaning her because of her size. She’s a strong. She’s confident. She’s a model. She’s well-spoken. This is the type of representation that I want to see, especially in an industry where being smaller and half naked is pretty important.

Keep on killing it, Nia.

7 Exercises MyFitnessPal Needs to Add

I’ve been using MyFitnessPal to track my foods, exercise and weight since the beginning of July. I like that I can just scan a barcode and the food values will populate for me. The exercise portion, however, feels lacking to me. So, here are:

MFP

Chasing a potty training toddler, trying to get under pants on him.

Total time: 20 minutes

Calories burned: 40

Walking around the church halls while your three year old wreaks havoc

Total time: 30 minutes

Calories burned: 45

Trying to get out of your sports bra after working out

Total time: 8 scary minutes where you think you’ll need to be buried in the thing

Calories burned: 70

Sex with no AC in the dead of summer

Total time: 30-60 minutes

Calories burned: 150 per 30minutes

Getting on top during sex with no AC in the dead of summer

Total time: 20-40 minutes

Calories burned: 207 per 30 minutes

Trying on clothes in Lane Bryant’s dressing rooms

Total time: 60 minutes

Calories burned: 596, mostly from sweating to death. Seriously, why are those rooms so friggin’ hot???

 

 

Untitled Because I’m Not Feeling Clever

I’m seriously not even sure what day it is.

So, I was supposed to go to Time Out For Women this weekend. Unfortunately, I woke up late, which is a huge anxiety trigger for me. My dearly departed uncle Fred drilled into my head from early on “It’s better to be an hour early than five minutes late.” I am a punctual person. When I’m not because of outside forces, I get really frustrated and anxious. My anxiety grew when I realized that I saw the kids for 30minutes the night before and I wouldn’t see them until almost bedtime that night. I decided not to go.

I spent the first half of the day playing with the kids, letting them play with water in the kitchen and building blocks in the living room. Then we went to my happy place, Target. I proceeded to buy $100 dollars worth of cleaning supplies. It felt so good. My house is clean, my tub is draining and my laundry is extra clean!

Sunday was a nice church day, followed by a nice laundry day. *NEWS FLASH* All of the clothes that were in the basement are now clean. Let’s not talk about the clothes upstairs in the basket, okay?

Monday was such a blur. Work was crazy busy and then I did a fitness class. It takes a lot for me to sweat (Other than from heat.) I was sweaty and tremble-y.

But I got our family pictures back.

I love them. I feel like they are perfect. The background looks near fake with how beautiful it is. Worth every penny.